It was late last Wednesday night when I decided to head on into the PD and see what I could find. I tooled around inside the city for a little while. Finding nothing moving but the occasional cat, I drove on out to the highway. I picked my favorite little hidey hole. This particular hole is one of my favorites. Unlike some of the holes youve may have seen other cops use this one is right out in the open. Usually the speeders that I catch are ones that deserve tickets. The only way I usually catch them is because they arent paying any attention. So if you are driving 20-25 mph over the speed limit and you dont see me parked right on the side of the road, out in the open, with reflective lettering across the side of the car, and the unmistakable double glass lens of a laser poking out. You might as well write your own ticket.
Anyway, I’m all set up in the hidey hole. I got my Rock Star energy drink opened and I had just taken the first sip when I observed a dark green child molester special van heading toward me. The thing that really caught my attention was that the van seemed to weave back and forth within its lane which usually indicates a drunk driver. I picked up the laser and checked him at 72 in a 55. I usually have my threshold set pretty high and dont take any speeders until they reach 72 mph.
“Ding Ding Ding!” I said out loud, “Youre todays lucky winner!” The van exited the highway right where I was sitting. I backed out of the hole and sped up rapidly to avoid being hit by other motorists. The van came to a stop at a traffic signal a short distance later. Planning ahead, I waited until the light turned green and we were in a safer place to stop before I lit him up. The van was one of those large style Dodge panel vans. There were no windows on the van except for the two on the back which were completely tinted out.
“0092 Traffic” I said in the radio as I reached over and hit the lights. “0092?” Dispatch replied. “Im gonna be....” I let up on the radio mic for a moment. When I switched on the overhead lights the van weaved to the right and then to the left continuing its turn into a local gas station. “0092?” Dispatch repeated obviously wondering what the hell happened. I picked up the mic, “Sorry bout that, Im gonna be #### Rd and #### St. in the gas station parking lot with Oregon license 023ABC.” “Heh heh......copy!” Dispatch must have been bored in there.
As I approached the drivers side door of the van, I observed a middle aged white male adult sitting in the drivers seat. He was looking at me out of the corner of his eye in the rear view mirror and taking several really fast drinks of water from a water bottle left in his center consol. In the passenger seat was a middle aged looking white female adult just starring straight ahead. Both looked like a couple of meth monkeys. I stopped just behind what would be the b pillar in a regular car. “Everything okay tonight?” I asked. There was a long silence. I took a few short whiffs by the drivers door thinking that I might smell alcohol. There was no alcohol smell. There was a dirty, moldy, faint poopy smell but I figured that was either the van or the clientele.
The driver slurped loudly from his water bottle and said, “Oh were alright.” I said, “Do you know why I have you stopped tonight?” The driver hung his head, “Yeah probably for speeding. The wife saw you and said, honey your speeding! Sorry bout that.” He attempted to put his water bottle in the consol but was jumping around so much that he missed the cup holder several times and then just threw the bottle in the back of the van. “You sure youre alright? What was that all about?” I asked. The driver said, “What, I just set it next to my seat?”
At this point it was pretty clear to me that this guy had something to hide or he was tweeking a little bit. I said, “Youre making me real nervous man, go ahead and step on out of the van for me.” I took a couple of small steps back from the door. Without delay the driver quickly opened the door and hopped out. I asked, “Do you have your drivers license on you?” The driver felt around in his pockets then said, “I dont have a license sir.” I asked, “Why dont you have a license, are you suspended?” The man hung his head again and said, “Yeah.” He shoved his hands in his pockets real quick. I placed my hand on my gun and said, “Slowly, take your hands out of your pockets!” He took them out but as I started to ask more questions he put them right back in again. I said, “Okay, take your hands out of pockets and place them on the side of the van.” He complied. I explained that he is jumping around to much and reaching into his pockets and I felt that may be a danger to me. I placed him in handcuffs and advised him that he was not under arrest but I am detaining him for my safety. I also advised him of his Miranda rights. I usually do that just to be safe.
As I put the handcuffs on, I was pretty sure that I could smell poop. The man said, “Man, Im really embarrassed.” “Why are you really embarrassed?” I asked. The man said, “Look dude, I just shit my pants.” I said, “Whaaat?” Hoping to myself that he was kidding or fucking with me. “Im sorry sir, but when you came up behind me and then turned on the lights, I was so scared I shit myself.” Now the smell had become very dense. I felt my eyes starting to well up a little. I didnt know if it was from the smell or from me trying not to laugh in his face. “Oh man, it’s running down my leg.” The man groaned.
I leaned him up against the push bumpers of my patrol car. I asked, “Is there any guns, knives, surface to air missiles, or any thing that will poke me or stick me on your person?” The man said, “No.” I patted him down for weapons (Yes I had gloves on!). I asked, “Is there anything in the car that I need to know about? Dope, guns?” Again he shook his head and said, “No.” I said, “Then you dont have any problems with me searching the vehicle?” He said, “Oh, no go ahead there isnt anything in there, I dont do that stuff anymore.” I walked up to the passenger side of the van where the mans wife still sat. I explained to her that I am going to search the vehicle and asked her to step out. She said, “Okay, is my husband going to jail?” “I dont know yet.” I replied. “I’m going to need you to stand over here while I search.” I said pointing toward the rear of the van.
I opened the passenger side door and lead her out. As she walked past me, once again, I smelled a really dense smell of poop. I thought to myself, “There is no way.” As I was about to look inside the van the woman said, “Um.........Officer?” I turned and faced her with a suspicious look on my face. “I just want you to know that...........” she trailed off. I said, “What?!” “Well, this is so embarrassing.........I thought that I had to fart earlier..........so I pushed too hard........and I think I pooped my pants a little bit.”
I remember thinking to myself, “Okay wheres the hidden camera? This can’t be happening.” How the hell do two people going down the road simultaneously shit themselves at the mere sight of a cop? I told her to stay where she was and then I searched the van. I found absolutely nothing inside. I ran the driver and found that he was suspended in the violation degree and wrote him a ticket. Since neither one of them had a valid drivers license, I towed the van and made them walk the 10 miles back to their home.
I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Oh, Mark got played! They probably had dope in there pants, or they where hiding something.” Well, you’re probably right, but other peoples poop is like my kryptonite! Their little plan worked on me this night. I dont care if you have a half a pound of fine Columbian in your pants, I’m not digging through your shit to find it. Have fun smoking that later!
