Suicide is always preventable. If you are having thoughts of suicide or feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline immediately at 988. Counselors are also available to chat at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. Remember: You deserve to be supported, and it is never too late to seek help. Speak with someone today.
Police and military suicides were a severe problem in 1984, just like they are today. Back then, however, there were very few employee assistance programs, critical incident stress debriefings or stress management trainings. Sadly, too many officers sought officer wellness in a bottle.
As a young police officer and survival trainer, I was deeply impacted when a friend and fellow officer’s desperate action inspired me first to train officers to not just physically and legally survive, but emotionally survive as well.
Let me tell you about Sam (not his real name).
The magic muzzle
Almost 40 years ago, Sam was alone as he sat on the bench in the police department’s locker room, holding his duty weapon at the low ready position. Carrying his sadness through life was a weight he could no longer bear.
Sam had chosen the locker room of his police department to end his life because he had been to enough scenes like the one he was about to create to know he did not want his family to find him … after.
As the moment of finality arrived, Sam took a couple of deep breaths, brought his duty weapon up and paused as he pressed the muzzle’s cool metal into the soft spot under the chin, just in front of the esophagus.
Slowly, but ever so deliberately, he pulled the trigger downward. He pictured his emotional pain vanishing instantly as his soul sped on its way to whatever lay beyond this world of sorrow. Like a large-caliber starter’s pistol for his spirit, he heard the deafening explosion that went off in his head and then ...
Nothing went as planned.
The flawed plan
During what was to be his last act on Earth, Sam’s trigger finger was off-center and pulled the pistol out of alignment ever so slightly. This adjustment altered the round’s expected trajectory, causing it to travel at an angle instead of upward. The bullet tore into the underside of the chin, ripped through his tongue and bore a hole in his cheek as it exited.
Sam found himself still sitting on the bench of the locker room, choking on his own blood. His unbearable emotional pain was replaced by an indescribable physical pain and he was still very much alive.
There was one change, however, for the positive. The flash of his muzzle magically transformed Sam’s desire to die into an overwhelming desire to live. Sam struggled mightily to stumble to a nearby intercom in the locker room. His bloody hand desperately pressed the button, connecting him to the shift commander one floor up.
Sam discovered himself incapable of forming words. All that came out was a gurgling growl. Realizing this, he tried to convey, with the noises he could make, the urgency of his self-induced emergency.
The shift commander, having heard the shot, ran down the stairs to the locker room. After finding Sam badly injured, he began emergency care as he radioed dispatch for an ambulance.
Shortly thereafter, Sam was in an ambulance as it screamed toward the nearest hospital. He was no longer praying to die but praying with all his heart to live.
Sam went through surgeries, intensive physical rehabilitation, as well as mental health evaluation and treatment. His goals changed from just wanting to live to wanting to live a better life. The journey toward physical and emotional healing was long and arduous, but remarkably, over a year later, Sam was cleared by his doctor to return to full duty as a patrol officer.
Return to work
I remember well Sam’s first lineup. He rightly sensed his fellow officers were tentative about his return. As soon as he sat down, he addressed the elephant in the room by declaring, “I know you are wondering about my mental stability after all that has happened, but I should be wondering the same about all of you. You see, I am now the only officer on this department that has been officially certified sane.”
The officers in the room roared with laughter and welcomed Sam back.
Sam clearly had gained some sort of perspective on life after what he had put himself through. To anyone who knew Sam before and after, he had become the new and improved version of Sam.
I was honored when Sam contacted me to request that I put together an emotional survival class for the next in-service to teach officers about managing the stress of their challenging careers.
With Sam’s insights, I constructed a class in stress management and another in the discipline of staying positive, which were well-received by the officers. Now I will share some of his insights with you here and now.
Insights revealed in the glare of a muzzle flash
Sam was a military and police veteran. He had a wonderful wife and family, but despite all this, he found himself deeply sad most of the time, without good reason. He never thought to ask for help. He just tried to self-medicate by drinking alone at home. He said he had become a “closet alcoholic.” He was also diagnosed as being clinically depressed.
During Sam’s treatment, he learned and felt all officers should be taught that:
- Clinical depression is not manageable alone. It is a condition that needs to be treated. If an officer is suffering, there is no dishonor in asking for help. It’s no different than the backup we call for all the time on the street.
- Alcohol is a depressant that feeds the depression as it complicates your life.
- If you see a friend or fellow officer who seems to need help coping, reach out to them.
Sam had become a resident expert on poorly managed stress the hard way and was willing to share what he had learned. For officers to better manage the stress of their careers, Sam believed officers needed to:
- Believe their lives have meaning and purpose.
- Pursue goals, whether they are professional, physical, social or spiritual.
- Recognize they must deal with so much “sh-t” that they must regularly stop and smell the roses.
- Realize important relationships need to be recognized, nurtured and treasured.
- Laugh hard and laugh often.
- Do not embrace the negativity that is natural in this profession. Choose to be positive. You positively will enjoy your life more.
- Realize that what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger if you are determined to have it make you stronger.
Officer wellness training was born of incidents like Sam’s. Sadly, most of them did not have a happy ending.
However, Sam’s determination changed the trajectory of his life positively. He went on to complete his career — retiring with honor after 29 years. Sam embraced his family. He watched his sons grow to be fine young men and was able to dance with his daughter at her wedding. He lived long enough to laugh and play with his grandchildren. They loved him dearly because, although he had in his earlier life suffered alone, he rejoiced in his newfound life with them all.
Twenty-one years after Sam sat alone in that locker room, he died of natural causes as his family surrounded him with their love. In a way, Sam’s death of natural causes represented for him a hard-won victory.
Conclusion
One last thing Sam insisted I include in my trainings was this: If someone is experiencing thoughts of suicide, they must hold on and survive those moments, because the day will come when they will be grateful they did.
I would like to share one last thing Sam requested be put on the remembrance card at his funeral that sums up Sam’s ultimate victory. It said: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
Well done, Sam!
