This month, I received a question: “Why are police marriages so difficult?”
It’s a question that comes up frequently among law enforcement officers and their families. Many of us have heard stories or have personal experiences that illustrate the unique challenges police couples face. These challenges often stem from shift work, high-stress situations and the mental toll of the job.
As one officer put it, “Marriage is hard.” I’ve heard that countless times, and if marriage itself is challenging, a police marriage might feel like a concrete barrier coming at you at high speed during a pursuit. It’s hard, complicated and stressful — but not insurmountable. Like any police operation, success in a police marriage depends on awareness, training, repetition and follow-up (or “the debrief”).
Let’s break down why police marriages are uniquely challenging and explore practical strategies to help officers and their spouses build resilient, supportive relationships that can withstand the pressures of the profession.
Why police marriages are uniquely challenging
1. Hypervigilance dial is too “hyper”
In law enforcement, we learn that staying aware keeps us safe. We scan for threats, assess movements and look for concealed weapons or lies. This survival mindset is critical on the job but can backfire at home, leaving us tense and guarded at best — and defensive or distrustful at worst. Our partners may feel like we’re overly suspicious or constantly “on guard,” making it hard to build a relaxed and open environment together.
2. Performance-oriented thinking leads to distance
Cops are often results-driven, and we thrive in environments where we can see the impact of our actions. On the job, we’re effective, respected, and validated by both internal rewards and the reactions of those we serve. However, when we try to apply the same “cop mindset” at home, it can have the opposite effect. Often, we end up feeling like we’re failing in our relationships. This can lead to a natural tendency to take extra shifts and spend more time at work, where our actions have clearer, more immediate rewards. And while the extra paycheck is helpful, it’s often used as a way to contribute to the family without risking the frustration or misunderstandings that might arise at home.
3. The burden we carry
Every call, every traumatic incident, and every fear that something could go wrong adds a weight—like rocks in a backpack. These weights are heavy with stress, trauma, and a constant awareness of potential danger. Why would we want to burden our loved ones with these worries? As protectors, we instinctively hold these burdens to keep our families safe. But unintentionally, this often means building walls, creating distance, and eventually leaving our partners feeling disconnected, apathetic, and isolated.
Tools for strengthening your police marriage
- Talk to decompress: Find someone to talk to — whether it’s a therapist, a trusted friend or a peer. Therapy isn’t for everyone, but having someone to decompress with can make all the difference. Peer support is an excellent option if your agency offers it. Talking with others in law enforcement who understand the job’s pressures and context can be incredibly relieving. If formal peer support isn’t available, you might find comfort in friends, faith communities or even online support groups.
- Prep and plan your communication: Just like police operations, effective communication takes preparation. Talk to your partner about communication strategies before stress hits, not during an emotionally charged moment after a hard shift. Share what you each need on an average day and on difficult days. For example, some partners may need only a simple “We had a kid call” rather than all the details, while others may want to hear the full story. Understanding each other’s preferences can prevent misunderstandings and create a stronger connection.
Check available resources: Look into your agency’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP), as many offer a set number of free therapy sessions. Some programs cover family or marriage counseling, even if it isn’t part of your regular benefits. Consider this a low-hanging fruit, especially if your relationship is under stress.
Also, there are numerous law enforcement-focused organizations that support officers and their families. They often offer events, retreats, or support networks. Contacting your peer support team, chaplaincy, or other networks can be an excellent way to find additional resources.
- Attend to holistic health: Maintaining physical, mental and social health is essential. Regular workouts can help you stay calm, resilient and confident. Planning date nights or gathering with other families can help you feel grounded and reconnect outside of work. Attending a financial planning seminar together and going for a walk afterward can also help build a shared, supportive life beyond the stress of the job.
Conclusion
Police marriages may be subject to more pressure and unique challenges, but just as with any operation, awareness, intentionality and effort can create a solid foundation.
With the right tools and approach, you can maintain, repair or even thrive through these challenges, keeping your marriage as strong and resilient as your dedication to the job.
Learn more
Explore the complexities of first responder relationships in Episode 149 of the Blue Grit Radio podcast. In this episode, host Eric Tung engages with Dr. Mynda Ohs and Esther Horowitz, two experts specializing in first responder family dynamics. They discuss issues such as divorce rates, infidelity and risk-seeking behaviors among law enforcement professionals — offering practical strategies to strengthen relationships.
Dr. Ohs brings over a decade of experience working exclusively with first responders and their families, while Horowitz contributes her expertise as a bilingual mental health counselor and certified clinical trauma professional. Listen to their insights and advice on navigating the unique challenges faced by first responder families.
