Sometimes, we become so hardened and quick to react that we miss subtle but meaningful messages. In my case, I chose to ignore what I now see as an opportunity lost.
Last month, in my article, “The toughest thing I have done as a cop? Joining a men’s group,” I wrote about the somatic healing process I experienced years after being the primary responding unit to a fatal shooting involving an elderly woman. What I didn’t share was the moment I ignored during the ensuing investigation; a moment that should have given me pause.
After pronouncing the woman dead and securing the scene along with others, I sought out witnesses. A large crowd had gathered along the crime scene tape, and it was time to try to find anyone who might help solve this tragic case. As I made my way down the line of onlookers, one young woman told me she had seen everything. As I gathered her personal information, she asked me, “How do you do that?”
The question that hit like a bullet
I assumed she was asking about my ability to hold a field interview card in the palm of my hand and write legibly. But when I started to explain, she stopped me. “No, I saw what you did. You tried to save her, and now you’re standing here talking to me like nothing happened. How do you do that?”
In that instant, it felt as if I had been shot, point-blank. She had struck a nerve, the nerve that was holding back my emotions. I felt a surge of energy rise up from my gut, like a ball of fire racing toward my head. I was milli-seconds from breaking, from crying, or whatever my natural response would be. And just as quickly, I pushed those emotions back down into the deepest, darkest corners of my emotional backpack — that invisible weight many of us carry without realizing it where they would stay, challenging me for the next 18 years.
I responded with what I thought was strength: “It’s what we do. It’s all part of the job” and I carried on getting her statement about what she had witnessed.
The dangers of suppressing emotions
While it is wise to compartmentalize emotions to remain effective in the field, it is neither wise, safe, nor healthy to suppress them indefinitely. That day, the young woman saw me as more than a uniform. She saw me as a human being. She saw past my tough, stoic exterior, and the emotional armor I had worn for years. And yet, I failed to recognize her pain. She had just witnessed her elderly neighbor gunned down in broad daylight. She was likely traumatized, and I was too detached to acknowledge it. I was all business.
With nearly five years on the job, I had already lost touch with my emotions. I had become a robot. It wasn’t until years later, after hitting rock bottom, that I discovered the power of emotional wellness work. Only then did I begin unpacking my emotional backpack and begin to relieve my body of the burden of carrying these incomplete trauma cycles.
The journey to healing
Healing required vulnerability. It required me to trust the support system I found in a men’s group. Ironically, it didn’t take a room full of cops or first responders to help me heal. These men, like that young woman years ago, saw me for who I truly was. They didn’t need to have experienced the horrors of law enforcement to understand my pain. They simply held space for me, allowed me to process the burdens I had carried for so long, and empowered me to heal.
At first, opening up felt foreign, even unnatural. After years of numbing my emotions, I wasn’t sure how to tap into them again. But slowly, through conversations, breathing exercises, witnessing other men be vulnerable and emotional processing, I started to let go. I stopped suppressing my emotions and let my body do what it needed. I learned that vulnerability is not a weakness, it is the foundation of true resilience.
Practical strategies for emotional processing
For officers struggling with unprocessed trauma, here are a few actionable steps to begin the healing process:
- Acknowledge the weight you carry: Denial only prolongs suffering. Recognize that your experiences have impacted you, and that’s okay.
- Find a trusted support system: Whether it’s a peer support group, a wellness coach, a therapist, or a mentor, talking about your emotions is critical.
- Practice mindfulness and breathwork: Engaging in guided breathing exercises or mindfulness practices can help calm your nervous system.
- Engage in physical activity: Exercise releases endorphins, which help combat stress and improve mood.
- Seek professional help when needed: If you’re struggling with symptoms of PTS, depression, or anxiety, seeking a culturally competent therapist trained in trauma is a powerful step.
The power of emotional intelligence
One of the most important lessons I learned is that emotional intelligence is not just about managing our own emotions; it is also about recognizing the emotions of those around us. That young woman wasn’t just asking how I carried on, she was likely searching for an answer for herself. Had I been more in tune with my emotions, I might have seen that she needed someone to talk to just as much as I did.
Emotional intelligence allows us to process trauma in real-time rather than burying it for years. It enables us to support our peers, recognize when they are struggling, and create a culture where seeking help is not stigmatized but encouraged. It provides the ability to stay strong and focused while in the field so we remain safe and maintain the public trust until we can process the experience in a healthy and effective manner.
Examples of successful emotional wellness programs
More departments are recognizing the importance of mental and emotional wellness skills. Some departments have implemented peer support programs that allow officers to talk with trained colleagues about stress and trauma. Other departments have developed resilience training, teaching officers mindfulness and emotional intelligence strategies to help them cope with on-the-job stress.
These programs are proof that addressing emotional wellness can create stronger, healthier officers. Research has proven that organizations that invest in emotional intelligence training for their people see greater performance, improved safety, more effective communication, and enhanced retention and recruitment success.
A call to action: Don’t wait until it’s too late
Since I began my journey toward emotional wellness, my life has changed dramatically. My relationships are stronger, I feel more connected to my work, and I am no longer carrying the unbearable weight of past trauma. Most importantly, I have learned that true strength is found in vulnerability, not in suppressing emotions.
Emotional wellness work is about supporting one another in healing trauma and learning emotional intelligence. Regardless of how many years you have been on the job, or whether you are a man or woman, don’t wait until the weight of your service brings you to your knees. Find your way. Call a hotline. Seek out a support group.
If you need help and aren’t sure where to start, reach out to me directly, I will happily hold space for you and help you connect with resources that meet your needs.
You don’t have to carry this alone. You can end the silent suffering and thrive as you develop strength through resilience.
|NEXT: Read more about the author’s journey here: The toughest thing I have done as a cop? Joining a men’s group
